If I could build a living heaven, it would have all the people I love in their truest state of happiness. There would never be any cause for hurt feelings because there would be a perfect understanding of the needs of each individual. There would be games everywhere to stimulate the mind. Corey would give me seductive glances with no mixed signals. Christine would not be afraid to be seen, and we would have comfortable silences that would never be awkward. My children would be beautiful people where it counts, with spouses that treat them like the precious works of art that they are, and I would have loving, fun, and respectful grandchildren. There would be horses for me to ride of many temperaments, to keep things exciting. There would be beautiful western sunsets and eastern ocean moonrises. I would be able to enjoy Northern Lights and the Milky Way. There would be many beautifully textured things to touch. There would never be discomfort. I would be able to choose to sleep. There would be private time with no strings or guilt. I could choose to have a song playing to suit my mood, or I could choose perfect silence. Pursuing dreams would never have any ill effect on those I choose to surround myself with. There would be beaches and forests and deserts all within easy reach. Nature’s fury would be witnessable without being threatening.
My Utopia.

I’ve decided to revitalize my old website. I worked on it a little bit today. I put a fresh greeting on it, and started adding new information to my health page. I’m planning to rejuvenate the hysterectomy diary to keep track of my progress post-op.
http://members.tripod.com/hamlette2002-ivil/

There are a lot of things in this universe that are worthy of being feared. The economy, disease, asteroids, spiders, needles, etc. Any one thing going wrong could be catastrophic. Then again, the likelihood of a catastrophe being caused by any of these phobias is dismally miniscule, which is probably why those who harbor them are often belittled. That doesn’t mean the fears are unwarranted.
I’m carrying around some fears myself these days. In the order of least worrisome to the most frightening to me:

Bills. The only time they haven’t got me poised to run to the bathroom out of worry is the 24 hours after I’ve paid them.

My upcoming surgery. Am I going to wake up confused and in pain like I did after the hysterectomy? Am I going to wake up from it at all? And the scariest question: will I want to wake up from it?

My daughter’s relationship with her father. I’m afraid that she’s going to feel so estranged from him when she is an adult that she won’t come see me while he’s around. I feel like I can’t fix them.

Outliving my children, and not living long enough to know my grandchildren. I would be devestated by the loss of either of my kids. I look forward with relish to being a grandmother, and when that time comes, that’s all I want to be.

…Like playing around with the kids, dancing, laughing, sneezing, and all the other things that I haven’t been able to do for years without worrying about or actually having bladder issues.
****beware****TMI alert****
My pubovaginal sling surgery is finally scheduled for August 15th. Every time I think about doing something that reminds me that I have stress incontinence, I get excited about the procedure all over again. I’ve already taken the first couple of steps, the second of which was no less than miserable and embarrassing. The nurses at the doctor’s office had to do a procedure that involved filling my bladder up from the outside until I told them that if I were in a car I’d be afraid to hit a a pebble in the road. Then I had to stand up and let the doctor feel how much pressure it took to make me leak. Not my idea of a good time, but there was some satisfaction in finding out that there is a genuine problem that no magic pill is going to fix, which was what a lot of people were trying to tell me to do.
Also, I found a couple of new lumps in my left breast early this month, so I went back to see the doctor in the family practice I go to. I got to see the one everyone in the office affectionately refers to as the “boob man.”. He says he doesn’t think there’s anything to worry about, but he scheduled a mammogram for me to be on the safe side. He thinks it’s fibrocystic breast disease. I haven’t had a chance to research that yet, but he made it sound like a common, non-threatening issue. I’ll just have to have my breasts proffessionally examined more often than average, just to make sure that the lumps I’ll develop are benign.
I’m so glad that Corey signed up for Aflak. I’m supposed to be out of work for 6 weeks. I can only take 2 weeks of paid time off at a time, and short-term disability only covers 2/3 of my pay. Because I’ll have an overnight stay in the hospital, Aflak will pay out $1000 directly to us, and that should come close to making up the difference. Aflak is also going to pay out $75 for the mammogram. I have no idea why, but I’ll take it. After all, we’re paying for it, and every little bit counts.
So that’s it for the super-fabulous hammie-health-update. Thank you, and goodnight.

As I sit here writing in the car, we are driving across the Mohave Desert. It’s nice to get out of the smoky North and into the fresh, rain-washed air of the desert. The radio says it’s been pouring on and off all day. While the effect of the smoke on the sun and moon was stunning, it sure is nice to see a beautiful white star peeking out from behind the clouds and a truly silver lining on the clouds themselves.
So…this is a little belated, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the lesson I mentioned a week+ ago.
Independence is a double-edged blade. When we’re children, we can’t wait to become independent. We crave the ability to make our own choices, to count on none but ourselves. Unfortunately, sometimes we decline help so often that when we truly need it, nobody offers that shoulder. We even become embarrassed to ask for it - or maybe we forget HOW to ask for it.
I certainly have admiration for those who are totally independent. Can you imagine, never having to answer to anyone, never having to nurture any kind of relationship? Running on your own schedule, owning your heartaches by yourself, never having to justify your feelings to anyone else. It sounds ideal.
Imagine that weight, though. Literally and emotionally. It’s nice to have an extra pair of hands to help lift a 50 pound of dog food - or your spirits after a bad interview. I suppose that there are people who are happier handling everything alone. I am not among that number. I’m grateful to have those that I depend on - my husband, my friends, my extended family, AND myself.

Normally by now I would be ready to hit the road for home. For some reason, though, I’m not quite anxious to go yet. I might be feeling a little seperation anxiety over the kids. Or I may be really enjoying the time with this part of my family. It’s been a lot easier without the panic I usually feel about our finances. I opened a new savings account a few weeks ago. Corey knows about it, but he doesn’t have access to it - allowing me to actually put and keep money in it.
The only problem I’ve had on this trip has been coping with the heat/humidity. I imagine it’s been pretty bad back home, too. I hope there’s been plenty of rain though. God knows we need it.
Hmm. Distracted rambling. Oh well. Short attention span theatre.
I feel closer to my mother in law every time I see her. I’m grateful. She really is a good person, and I think the perspective I’ve gained from work and having my dad living with us has made it a lot easier to relate to her regarding the issues she’s having with her mom. I’m able to let her express her feelings and let her know that they’re valid. I’m glad that I can be there for her. She’s really having a tough time coping with Nana’s declining health, both physical and mental.

We’re heading out for California tomorrow morning (around 2 a.m.) to drop the kids off with Grammy and Grampa, so it’s time to put together a list of all the crap I need to get done tonight so that we can leave without a hitch after Corey gets home from work.

• Oil change
• Fuel up the car
• Do any necessary laundry
• Pack - clothes, dress clothes, razors, pads, shoes, brushes, hair ties, cell phones, chargers, laptop, camera, batteries
• Food and drinks for the road
• Wash the dang car - it almost kinda sorta tried to rain on us, and between that, the nasty birds that I keep seeming to park underneath, and the dirt roads of the 4th of July, it’s FILTHY.

Fuelling up the car means that I’m going to talk to my buddy that lives in Havasu and find out how much the gas is at the I-40 turn-off.  It’s typically much cheaper out there than here in town, and if that holds true, I’ll just put in 4 gallons here and fill it the rest of the way up out there as we pass through.

I don’t even WANT to know how much it’s going to cost to get the oil changed - after all, that’s surely going to be affected by the troubles in the Middle East as easily as the gas prices.  I have a coupon for $5 at Oil Can Henry’s, though, so maybe it won’t be budget-breaking.

I’m having the kids gather up their laundry for me.  Sorting the clothes and filling out the loads shouldn’t take too long, and I may delegate the task to Mercedes while I get the stuff done that can’t be done here.

I’m trying to think of something cheap, minimally messy, and small to pack for food while we’re on the road.  I’m thinking a box of Capri Sun will serve the kids fine, maybe a 4-pack of Starbucks for Corey and I, and a couple of Monster energy drinks for him.  Nothing of the sort for me, thanks.  Even the crap that isn’t supposed to make you jittery sends me into a nervous pile of ACK!

Well, I think that’ll just about do it for now.  I’m off to put a little gas in the car, change the oil, and check the gas prices along the way.

Influences.

There have been innumerable influences in my life.  I’ll start with people.

My mother, of course.  She taught me how to find simple joys in my surroundings, no matter what the financial situation.  If I was bored, she was almost always able to find something creative and fun to do.  I remember creating “stained glass” Christmas cards from construction paper, crayon shavings, and wax paper.  I remember playing a board game that she made up, called “The Bored Game.”  I also remember taking a little day-trip in the car, stopping at clumps of brightly-colored wildflowers, then taking them home, pressing them, and using clear contact paper to make bookmarks with them.  I try to incorporate special moments into my life with my children because of my mom.

I also learned to be more skeptical because of my mother.  I watched her struggles through one marriage, and watched her flounder through another, making mistake after mistake.  I saw her change her “self” because of a man, and it made me determined not to let someone do that to me.  Not to the point of being unwilling to compromise on issues, but to the point where I won’t let who I am at the core disappear.

My father has influenced me.  He’s made me the kind of person who won’t settle for a bad deal or bad service.  This may not sound important, but I learned how to drive a hard bargain and get what I want at a price I’m willing to pay, and it’s a skill that has served me well.  He’s also influenced my parenting.  I try not to tell my kids “Don’t worry about it,” when there’s an issue that they feel is affecting them.  I may “kid it down” a little - in other words, explain it in terms they can understand, but I also do my best not to be condescending.  I’m also trying to pass the lessons that he tried to teach me down to my kids, now that I understand the lessons better.  I hope to pass them down in a way that they can use them and understand them before the lessons become obsolete.

While my parents were divorced in a time that I can’t recall, their relationship has been a strong influence in my life.  I’ve learned that, even if both parents aren’t in the same household, and even if they ARE, the rules for their children need to be consistent.  I try to remember this while Corey and I raise our kids.  Decide on the rules, and the consequences (good OR bad!!!) and stick with them.

My Grandma Janie was a special influence in my life, as grandmothers should be.  She taught me that there is a precious joy in making someone else happy.

My sisters, coming along at the time in my life and my mother’s life that they did, strongly influenced me.  I learned how to take care of the basic needs of another human being.  And I learned how truly fast childhood really does go.  This has influenced my ability to appreciate my kids as kids.  At the time, it was incredibly difficult, but I’m so grateful for them and the lessons they taught me.

My husband has influenced me.  He’s taught me a little modesty.  He’s taught me to be a little more responsible than perhaps I would have been on my own (MAYBE).  I’ve learned to love from so many different perspectives.  And I’ve gained a work ethic that perhaps I wouldn’t have otherwise.

My best friend has taught me humility.  I used to get so wrapped up in trying to be a million places at once, it was easy to block out the effect of my thoughtlessness.  I try not to take people for granted anymore, and appreciate more of the little things in life.

My kids have taught me everything.  They’ve taught me how precious the sound of laughter is.  They’ve taught me to appreciate the tiniest things.  They’ve taught me how wonderful it is to learn.  And they’ve shown me how wonderful it is to be me.

On Friday, our friends Jeff and Chantal got married. The day started out, as most wedding days do, in a blind panic. Fortunately, as most weddings also do, theirs started late - later than when we got there. Anyway, as nuptials go, it was fun, and the vows were appropriate for the setting, and very beautiful.
Afterwards, we changed and headed out in a caravan of 5 vehicles to the top of a hill overlooking Laughlin. I held Alex on my lap while we watched the display.

“Do you know why they’re doing that, Alex?”
“No. It’s pretty.”
(Abbreviated)”They’re celebrating the men and women who have fought and died so that others can be free. Everytime you see an explosion, try to say a silent thank you.”
*KABOOM*
*whispered* “I did it!”

From a journal prompt:

I don’t really consider myself a tree-hugging environmentalist, but I do try to be responsible about taking care of the nature I find myself in.  I “pack it in, pack it out.”  If I have a place to put it, I sometimes take out more trash than I create by myself or with my family.  And I really do love nature.  I love all kinds of nature, from desert to island, so I don’t know that I could really describe what my favorite part is without being very vague.

I guess you could say that I just really love the variety in nature.  I see beauty in the desert that is very hard for most people I know to come to terms with.  Yes, it’s a very hostile environment, but competition for basic needs is essential.  Water, shelter, and food are all at a premium.  Certainly, anything living thing in that environment is going to have to be aggressive.  First, it has to protect itself.  Cactuses, bushes, weeds - all are edible and provide precious hydration to some degree, and are therefore at constant risk of being eaten.  If I were a stationary plant just trying to survive, you can bet that I’d want to grow some thorns and maybe emit a little poison - anything - to keep the majority of hungry and thirsty beasts of the desert from consuming me.  There’s a powerful beauty in that.  Second, everything living thing must find a way to keep itself hydrated, nourished, and protected from the harshness of the seasons.  Forests, unless they’re comprised of joshua trees or saguaros, are pretty much nil.  The softer ground, holes in rocks, and crevices in boulders, are the only place most animals have to go to escape the blazing sun, monsoon deluges, and harsh winter winds.  That sort of shelter is also minimal, and the struggle to protect the home a surprising reflection on humanity.  If someone uninvited invades our home and threatens to take anything in it (be it our material things or our lives), certainly we’re inclined to use violence to protect it.  We’re not any different from animals, they just holster their guns differently.

And rain.  You will never see a transformation from a solitary, 3-hour event have such a potent effect on a landscape as you will in the desert.  Within 3 days, plants bloom, grasses grow, cactuses swell.  Of course, 3 days later, things turn brown again, but the effect of that sudden burst of life resonates, and leaves the promise that life DOES exist here, and it is bountiful, though it may not be always visible.

I love the forests, too, but while there is still a struggle to survive, it’s comparably simple.  Food is typically more abundant, as are water and shelter.  There are still dangers, but rarely are they as deadly or numerous as what one would find in the desert.

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This is very revealing!  I didn’t really think I’d have much to say about “my favorite part of nature,”  but as it turns out, I’m discovering that I have a great respect for the desert that I live in.  I think this is one of the most beautiful places in the world.